Life

So,

Today I had an odd thought. I feel like I'm getting older (which is how time works). But I feel like I'm wrong to not want to settle down and find the person to spend the rest of my life with. I feel like I have someone that loves me yet I cant seem to find the space in my heart to love them back. I feel so foolish for doing this! Like am I just selfish? Do I just not know what love is? Do I not love them? Am I well and truly fucked up? Does everyone feel like this? Am I just a complete and utter knob?

I constantly have these questions going round in my head. I go from panic that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone and not have kids and have the life I want. Then I go to the screw you why should I plan my life around someone. I'm young wild and free and I should be allowed to be just that. I don't want to look back on my life and think did I give up everything I ever wanted or could of wanted for someone that may not be worth it.

I just spend my days in a constant battle with my brain. Its like back and forth. I just don't know where I stand with life at the moment. I don't know where I want my life to go. I don't know where I want to be. I don't know who I want to be with. The sweet irony is all I want to do in my life is help other people. Help other people with their relationship problems (family or romantic or anything). Yet I cant even figure myself out. But maybe that is just the beauty of it all. Maybe when I look back on my life I will be like I had the time to not be sure to not know where life will take me and maybe thats one of those beautiful and poetic things that you always see in movies when you've got white hair, you sit in rocking chairs, admiring your grandchildren reflecting on your life. When I was quite young all I wanted to do was be old I just thought it was cute and adorable and I could be one of those sassy old people that you kinda love for being so brutally honest but so loving at the same time. But as I age I am terrified! I do know that is normal... I just wish I had a playbook for life sometimes but then where would the questions be?


Peace and love and all that jazz :)


P.S. as you can still I am still trying to find my feet with this blog thingy. I don't know whether I should make it about my thoughts, fashion or agony aunt. There I go again I cant even figure out what I want to do with my blog let alone life! :)